Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.

There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.

Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.

My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.

Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.

When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.

I visited my doctor today.

He told me my sugar was too high.

So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf

Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.

Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.

GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards

Me *drooling

It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.

Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call

“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.

Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.

When did razors get so expensive?

Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave

I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato

me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*

brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH

me: *goes radio silent*

Doctor: Step on the scale.

Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?

Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?

Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?

Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!

construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again

If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.

GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller

The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself

*Creates Animals*

God: They’re magnificent.

Angel: Some of ur best work.

Man: Which ones go on pizza?

Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.

1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know

Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur

Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t

Them: you smell so good what is that?

Me: bleach

World: What’s the date?

America: Well first and most importantly it’s June

There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.