Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true

When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly

Her: Can I sit down & join you?

Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.

Her: Oh, no you’re not!

Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…

That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich

I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.

my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon

We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.

*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.

Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.

HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….

Me: But…

FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?

[at the same time]

HER: Frankenstein.

ME: Frosty the Snowman.

They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.

Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?

Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus

My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.

im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat

One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.

Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.

Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.

My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.

*Pikachu dies*

Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.

*ghostbusters arrive*

waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING

Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.

The early 2000s

My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool

Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys

Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.

I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.

My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.