In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
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[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
kitchen magnet
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT