In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
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You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Passed by a old school Math example today.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls