Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Very good! 👍😂

“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920

I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president

if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor

Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?

hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here

If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away

My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.

Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period

Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.

MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*

PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy

You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino

Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying

Guy: No it wasn’t me

Me: Impressive

[fancy restaurant]

ME: *combs my beard with a fork*

HER: what the hell man

ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?

*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*

I have 2 kids?!

Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.

chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.

If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.

How I know this is unimportant.

My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.

there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee

If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other

Ummm

wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep

Somedays I feel like running away.

Then I remember how much I hate running.

The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.

*Followed*

Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.

Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.