Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.

[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?

DATE: The worst night of my life

ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.

ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?

Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.

I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.

Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?

Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician

*Later*

My dad: so what do you do?

Him: I get paid to lie to people

OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?

WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills

OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died

WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same

canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy

[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker

Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?

Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.

[Burying dinosaur bones]

Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later

Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.

I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”

Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.

[speed dating]

Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”

Her: “Face…”

Me: “Have a nice life.”

When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.

If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.

Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and

The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious

Him: What’s another word for pee?

Her: Urinate.

Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.

This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.

“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”

“That’s a smart car.”

me: what are you going to be when you grow up?

5: beautiful.

I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that

*points to person jogging outside through the snow*

“Look kids, a lunatic”

remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*

I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.