Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it

Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?

Inventor: no, 24

Friend: so will the day start at 1

Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night

Friend:

Inventor: the 6 means 30

The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.

an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.

sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people

I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.

just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos

I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.

Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?

Me: Rough sex

Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop

Me: Talk to your nurse about that

The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.

news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.

I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.

Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.

If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.

Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.

My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.

#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore

ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome

The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate

Me: I have no friends

My bed: Wow I’m like right here

I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.

The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”

Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.

As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.

A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.

ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?

SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?

Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.

M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?

Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.

M: Well, I’m Ursula.

My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀

My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime

My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.

ME: *walks by to put anything away*

WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there