People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
You Might Also Like
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.