In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
You Might Also Like
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽♀️😭
there was another, tinier cement truck inside
