In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
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me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
what’s really going on
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
[20 minutes after it stops raining]
ME: *turns off windshield wipers*
How to properly lift a body
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party