In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
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why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
These are my roll models.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available