In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
I like to think of myself as an onion. Peel back the many layers and deep down inside you’ll find a smaller, more anxious onion.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
yes, those are my real potatoes.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
me doing my best
choose your gary
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
*Usher and Lil John singing from the radio*: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!”My 7yo: What’s this song called?
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
