In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Sing it!
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
