In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
🤣could you imagine
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
i- i did not expect this
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
