Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.

Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?

Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi

I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.

In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that

If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine

police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor

I wrote out SOS with M&M’s

Five minutes later

I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s

Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again

Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.

I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.

[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”

I’m 36 going on 37.

Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.

My husband bought 3 bottles of fancy wine to take to my parent’s house tomorrow so anyway long story short we are bringing 1 bottle of fancy wine to my parent’s house tomorrow

I need to babyproof my house.

I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy

I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”

*Turning off led flashlight.

Led flashlight: hahahahaha

me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet

I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.

I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.

I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents

I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.

I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.

Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.

Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.