In 2024 a leather ‘mosh pit diaper’ went on sale, aimed at adults who didn’t want to queue for toilets at concerts. It sold out within 24 hours.
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An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.