In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
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i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
*Inspirational Tweets*
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it