in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
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Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now