Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.

“How do you do, fellow birds?”

Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.

Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.

The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.

i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)

Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday

riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”

lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL

others: LOL

Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”

My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.

My term for the other half is “breakfast”.

spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something

911: what’s your emergency?

me: there’s a really loud fight next door

911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun

me: omg thank you

“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”

*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?

I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.

Me: kid, you have no chill

5: I do, I just don’t use it

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.

With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.

I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.

[waking up on sunday morning]

me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night

*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*

*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.

My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.

I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered

How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin

I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???

Note to future self:

Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive

Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?

4-year-old: Dad?

Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.

4:

Me:

4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?

Now I’m awake.

I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that