in 3 months
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Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Body by cheese-puffs.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*