in 3 months
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In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Customize Your Wedding.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
awkward
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!