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I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
