In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
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*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Me: Please take my kids for a little bit
School: lol snow
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Introducing ManBat
A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
I’ve been thinking a lot about my drinking, and it’s time that I put down the bottle. Mom says I’m ready for a sippy cup now.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?