Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Tarot reading ends]

Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!

Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.

I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!

Hang in there buddy

Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?

*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*

Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.

Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”

Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”

Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.

[Origins…]

BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?

ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?

How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.

Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils

Batman: oh no

At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating

i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form

There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives

Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?

Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!

Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up

All these gifts today better get me laid.

Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.

The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving

I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.

TEETH IS INNOCENT

[working late]

ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.

CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.

ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.

Me: I lost 3 pounds!

Domino’s: I found them for you.

13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.

Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon

before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother

Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything

you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.

Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?

A. It was a boo meringue

Not reading the replies to this

British websites use biscuits.

peacock: how’d the date go?

me: not so well

peacock: you show her your tail?

me: no i-

peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit

It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.