In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
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My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
by any beans necessary
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.