In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
You Might Also Like
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
I fucking love Gary Larson so much
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Florida man
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.