In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
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[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting