Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.

Cricket: what am I?

God: a bug

Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?

God: you sorta jump big

Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?

God: nah buddy that’s a bird

Bird: *chirps*

Cricket: *chirps*

God: no stop that

I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.

[writing my first autopsy report]

There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy

TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.

1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’

Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.

*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap

*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit

*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot

No Google it does not

Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…

…18 if you’re obnoxious.

me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen

also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign

also also me: you can both be right!

fourth me: you guys talk too much

My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE

Me: *gives her a little bit*

My Dog: I have diarrhea

Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’

Clerk: Pants are implied

Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.

Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex

me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog

The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.

Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE

Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.

waiter: our special is only $7.99

mechanic: i’m a mechanic.

[seconds later]

waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.

mechanic: that’s too much.

waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.

genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes

me: i wish for unlimited genies

genie: son of a

My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.

For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident

Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter

Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.

Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.

I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never

No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.

Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?

NASA: have you ever built a space ship?

Reporter: well no bu-

NASA: it’s really hard

H: I think we should see other people.

Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.