In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
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I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.