Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”

Don’t you want this to be easier for you?

-Gangster – level 3

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!

My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.

me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit

sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet

Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.

Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter

#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed

Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”

So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .

Guess who got his yard cut?

Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.

That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.

i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.

Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are

Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.

Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.

nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws

I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.

The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.

For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes

I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.

It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.

You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.

[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*

30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”

My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)

Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning

It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.

Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter

Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is

Boss: …

[blind date]

ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask

I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.