In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
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toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.