In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
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Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.