Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”

[husband reaching for me in bed]

me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit

When I have sex with someone I high Five them.

*slaps hands together.

I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night

“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch

Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”

“What?”
– Jude

Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.

If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.

You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?

~my favorite guy at the bar.

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.

OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE

Her: your SO annoying!

Me: you’re 😐

Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain

I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks

Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly

Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit

Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”

Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?

Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.

Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.

I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.

Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.

I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it

Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick

[After Big Jewel Heist]

“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”

ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok