Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me

Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex

how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one

I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips

girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died

me: yeah ok

If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”

“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”

– Khaki pants

[Interview]

Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!

Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.

[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.

A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.

They did it with a straight face too.

me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”

me when my friends ask me to look after their kids

I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.

Ate.

My kid: I’ll look

Me: No, no one is going to look

Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-

Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON

[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.

*extends arm for handshake*

Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you

Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind

Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU

It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.

It’s just a hobby.

My daughter asked why I drink so much beer

I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol

me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later

As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.

Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.

Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high

Wife: how high

My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man

Isn’t

[my funeral]

priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*

wife: *turns to my mom*

mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.

At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life

was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught