In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
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Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”