In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
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I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
#math
on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it