In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
💀💀
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
