In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
no
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
