Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on

Hey I worked for it too!

Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.

If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.

It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft

Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.

Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day

The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work

Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry

When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball

I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”

I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.

You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.

I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.

A fly swatter, but for close talkers.

How to pick up chicks:

1) Go to the bar.

2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.

3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.

me: I made a model of the himalayas

friend: did you build them to scale?

me: no, just to look at

friend: what

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars

Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?

Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.

Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.

TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO

It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point

[Coffee line]

*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.

*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?

Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down