In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
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Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
I have taken up painting
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
#growingpains
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
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opening a flower shop called women in stem
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico