In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
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I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
Human are so complicated
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
You heard.