In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
You Might Also Like
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
I’m sorry…what?
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
ME: and make mine a double
WAITER: your…your tater tots?
ME: you heard me
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol
CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.