In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
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You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man
Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them
But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.