Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.

[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.

You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.

Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.

“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”

~my mother after a few drinks

During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse

Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you

If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?

In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.

When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.

Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.

I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still

sometimes i miss this memes

my cartoon in the New Yorker this week

me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*

i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?

My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.

My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.

When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.

“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.

*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.

Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.

Man: I love curvy women

Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite

Man: no, not like that

*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*

….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”

So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.

The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.

Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-

I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.