In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
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Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought