Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!

‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography

Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.

Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.

What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?

How I Met Your Mothra!

…No, YOU shut up.

[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one

If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.

Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.

I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL

Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?

Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.

Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*

5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.

is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?

Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.

My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed

Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.

Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.

security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now

count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man

wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula

*dracula turns into a bat*

*wolf man turns into a wolf*

godzilla: weird flex, but ok

*eats them both*

My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person

[Eating canned soup]

OMG I love sodium.

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.

Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.

I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.

Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”

Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers

[6 month dentist visit]

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: Every 6 months

Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right