Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me

Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.

*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*

4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge

If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.

No thanks Black Friday crowds.

I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.

*Texting*

HIM: Do you have any snacks?

ME: In my panty.

H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”

M: Nope.

Pass gas, not judgment.

Tastes victory

Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!

reduce, reuse, recycle

*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.

Me: OK now i need fresh fruit

Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.

Me: No fresh fruit

Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.

“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy

Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?

I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”

iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.

Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.

People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.

Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet

I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.

You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.

Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!

ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it

[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”

I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days

Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious

I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.

My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:

“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”

Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.