Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs

monday

sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes

Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.

Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.

What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?

*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*

**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**

A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.

What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?

My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.

“911, how may I help you?”

“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”

“Sir, this is for emergen–”

“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”

A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence

My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?

Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.

Wife: You should shake it out.

Me: Why would I want to do that?

Waiter: what can I get you?

Me: I’ll have what she’s having

Her: two divorces then please

[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.

[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*

How much for the vacation home?

Sir, this is a coffin.

if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.

My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude

*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?

My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence

Stop the Internet. I want to get off.

The Assassin.

My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic

30’s tall, nice smile, secure job

40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice