In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
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[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.