Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work

Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.

Dear Mom & Dad,

Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.

Love,
The best daughter ever

*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*

Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.

Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.

And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.

i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.

Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.

Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.

J: But, I’m only 13!

S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!

J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*

– Shakespeare Pressure

My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.

Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead

A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.

You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart

In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.

Act now and we will double your order of crap!

Infomercials

Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?

For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-

Order a “quickie”

then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”

“You can do better than that.”

– people who don’t know me all that well

After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.

MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!

A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.

Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday

My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.

[during sex]

HER: can you turn off the light

ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet

Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?

This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!

I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.

Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird

What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.

People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.

Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.

Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.