*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
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Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.