[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
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The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
A wise man once said nothing.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now