[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
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I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Be the unknown suspect that you want to see in the world
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat