[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
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Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.