Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss – can you pass a piss test?

Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?

Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE

Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages

Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume

You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…

[at the gym]

Friend: This sauna is way too hot!

Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?

Warning:

This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.

Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife

Me [being murdered in my home]:

“Can you take your shoes off?”

Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes

What do cheeky people drink out of?

A smug.

So: a needle pulling thread

Thread: a way to stack your tweets

Tweet: the thing I did instead

When they honked at me to go

Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.

date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”

You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.

-whistling you perverts

Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.

ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.

“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”

Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?

It’s Journalism 101, people!

If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.

[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me

My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.

Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.

Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.

I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.

The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.

I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.

[hospital]

Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!

Nurse: you have a great attitude!

Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )

Nurse: aw : )

[funeral]

My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.

Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.