Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos

Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?

Me *nervous*: children

Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.

Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.

I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space

People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.

To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.

My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.

My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough

You: Say something good about 2020

Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.

Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.

I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming

I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.

I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.

I’m rubber. You’re glue.

I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.

Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.

Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral

Me: to when? The 90’s?

INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired

A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.

Everyone else in the bar leaves.

“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief

[creation]

GOD: You guys are bees

BEE: Are we important?

GOD: Mankind would collapse without you

BEE: Can we fly?

GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol

BEE: …

GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out

Who does Amazon think I am?

C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*

me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*

Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.

WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE

me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]

him: is that all you got

me: yeah inflation’s bad

Coworker: Cute dress!

Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown

Coworker: [avoids me]

1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face

Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.

Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”