Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.

After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.

dec 26 to jan 1 is like the days after spotify wrapped… you can listen to/do whatever you want and it doesn’t count against next year’s naughty list

Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.

Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.

Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.

Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.

Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.

Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?

Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?

Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.

“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

[paying the check at dinner]

ME: how much should I tip her?

COW WAITRESS: oh no

I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.

INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?

ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off

Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”

Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.

Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.

Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.

Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.

coming home late…

Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?

You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers

Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.

What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.

Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem

Dis earing letters?

There’s an ‘app’ for that.