In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
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This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”