[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
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Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.
This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.