[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
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Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
This is my bus stop.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
British websites use biscuits.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
If an alien egg starts hatching in front of u, I would recommend not leaning over it to look inside. I’d back tf up. Just my two cents
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?