[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
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[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
This is painfully accurate 😅
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
We decided to have money instead of children.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.