Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…

My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.

when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.

I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.

If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.

torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*

me: please, no! I have a baby!

torturer: how old?

me: three months

torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that

Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.

Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’

The Backseat Boys

I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

Is your wife single?

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.

8 and I just standing there existing

3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat

Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.

Me: There’s a fly in my soup.

Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.

*puts a spider in the soup*

Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.

My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”

Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.

I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless

Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.

Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?

Urine for a real treat today.

-Toilets

Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.

IRL

I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.

I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.

He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection

Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.

“You saw nothing.”

-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash