[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
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When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.