*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
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Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Hamburger Hinderer.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
My neck my back my allergy attack
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me