Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.

“Help yourself!”

– people who don’t want to help you

“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails

smart people are like huskies

if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem

I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.

There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.

“losing/taking virginity”

– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?

“sexual debut”

– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved

Rejected Candy Hearts:

– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free

Note to self: always read the final line

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.

My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!

Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry

Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.

Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?

roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]

Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.

Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.

My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.

Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.

I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.

[on a date]

him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone

me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*

Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.

Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely

I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.

This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.

Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”

Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”

Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”

Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”