Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Blind Date

Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.

Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?

[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.

We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.

[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]

Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.

Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”

I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂

Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.

[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet

Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.

Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.

I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.

I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.

I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary

supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’

With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.

9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?

Me: Sure.

9: Can I spend two nights?

Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.

I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations

Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way

Gravity is just the earth being really clingy

*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*

this bar is not in space

Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.

Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently

it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”

If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why

Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?

Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.

Me: that’s riddikulus lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife:

Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.

[Controversial and unpopular statement]

You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”

That’s discrimination.

[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop

What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?

When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?

[first time picking up the tab]

her: don’t forget to leave a tip

me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*

Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”