Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles

son: what’s that one?

me: the orion constellation

son: and that one?

me: that’s the big dipper

son: and what’s that?

me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes

Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*

Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.

One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.

I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old

I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited

Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*

Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

“Shall we proofread this before posting?”

“Fuck it.”

If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.

My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.

He described his son as “very mature”.

Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.

Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.

I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.

Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.

I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.

Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.

Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives

All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons

Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.

Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.

I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.

How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?

Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.

[8 hours later]

Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.

I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.

My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.

An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.

I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.

her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*

me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*