Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.

Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.

At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.

Scariest things in the world:

1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes

ME: I’m here to repair the gate

ST. PETER: No you’re not

ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side

I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.

A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot

Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”

i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle

I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.

Wait….making the right choices is an option?!

I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out

Do one person every day that scares you.

boss: you’re late

me: and you are not the father

excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”

Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.

I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.

It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.

Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl

*Dog begging for chocolate bar*

“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”

*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*

Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.

*Cleans glasses*

“Omg I have a cat?”

I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…

Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.

I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.

I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.

Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!

2022: *Somehow already on fire*

Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.

ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?

HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops

I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.