Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange

If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.

Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?

Me: *skips*

My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE

How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?

Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.

Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”

Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”

[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?

[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?

My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.

The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.

(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany

[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*

what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material

[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”

Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!

The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.

I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.

I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.

I must’ve been sleep wokking again.

banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000

me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok

A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”

*entering first day of prison*

“Are you guys mad at me?”

being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me

“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery

“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok

[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]

ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit

Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.

I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?

olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics

[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now

“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”

Just bought a universal remote control.

…I really wish, this changes everything..