In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
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I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
OH. COME. ON.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]